Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
