I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
MIDGETS
????
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
