That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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