I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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