i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
