First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize