her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
