Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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