Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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