Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
