I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
