I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
