you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize