Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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