I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You ate ashes out of my bong
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