so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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