take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
