Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
