at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
