Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
