My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
