He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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