the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
