Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Drunk is not a location!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
