and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
