My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
