I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
