the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
