We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
