Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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