I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize