remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I could make wine with my vomit
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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