I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
