I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
