i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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