Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
