the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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