i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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