I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
