I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
this is an emotional support booty call
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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