One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
