I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
