And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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