I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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