I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
