This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
