I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
