my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
im holly from the hills drunk
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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