last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
