Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
