Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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