Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
