T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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