Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
